Waaaaaay off track

I have not had a good week but I have also had plenty of chances to remind myself of what I don't want.

I don't want the following;

to be the fattest, least fit member of my family.
to have an unhealthy body fat.
to look in the mirror and see lumps and bumps where they shouldn't be.
to feel like keeping myself covered up in front of my husband.
to wake up with extremely bad headaches because I have eaten too much chocolate.
to buy chocolate and keep the evidence hidden!
to have one outfit that I can wear comfortably because all my other clothes are too small of show the lumps and bumps I don't like.
to have to explain to people why I didn't do the run I signed up for a year ago (too late to change this one now but I don't want it to happen again).
to turn down my families suggestions/requests of things to do because I know I will huff and puff like a steam train and resemble a tomato by the time I am finished.

Time to sort myself out. I have a lot of head work to do as well as body work.

Need to drag myself back on track

I have not made a success of this week so far. I have chosen badly with eating and I still haven't done anything about exercising. I am starting to feel like the whiny child in the corner stamping her feet and saying "it's not fair". The problem is it is nobody else's fault. I am the only one who controls what goes into my mouth. I am the one who plans the food, shops for the food, prepares the food and serves the food. I am the one to blame for the fact that I haven't got any exercise done. I can tell myself I don't have time or make a million other excuses. But when it comes down to it I am the only one who can do anything about this. Me. Searching for some motivation and hope to find it soon.

One month down.

I am so not in the mood to be writing this today. What I want to be doing is hiding from everything, preferably with copious amounts of food and not caring about the result.

The trouble with that plan is that I do care. I may not feel it all the time but the times I care far outweigh those when I don't. If I give in on those times when I don't/wish I didn't care then I would feel even worse the rest of the time.

I think today it is partly hormonal. It is also down to an emotional rollercoaster weekend which was both the most and least fun I have had for some time.

Anyway, enough whining. I weighed and measured today because it has been 4 weeks since I started. I didn't take photos this morning because I so wasn't in the mood but I will do it before the week is out.

Weight: 12st 6lbs (174lbs) - Month loss of 7lbs.

Body fat: 40% - Month loss of 1%

Chest: 45in - Month loss of 1 inch  

Waist: 39in - Month loss of 1.5 inch

Hips: 45in - Month loss of 1.5 inch

Upper left arm: 12.75in - Month loss of 0.5 inch

Left thigh: 23.5in - Month loss of 1 inch

Left calf: 15.25in - Month loss of 0.25 inch

So that is a total loss of  7lbs, 1% body fat, and 5.75 inches. I am sort of happy with that and will now set out on my next month of tackling this.

 

I would love to feel more positive about the whole thing right now. I don't. I feel as I said at the beginning of this post like hiding away and am just cross with myself that I am back here again for the I don't know how many times it is. I need to find some positive attitude towards it if I am to achieve my goal.

Over a blip

I am pleased that I managed to achieve getting past my brief blip on Tuesday and stay on my plan. I have stuck with my planned meals.

I am going out with my husband tonight and we will be going to dinner. I have planned from the restaurant menu what I will have and that does involve a dessert that is off plan. I have eaten accordingly for the rest of the day to ensure that it doesn't do too much damage.
I am reaching the point where I need to change this into a plan for life rather than restricting certain things. The way I intend to do this is to stick 99% of the time to South Beach phase 2 and when things like nights out or parties occur to let myself a little slack. The fact that nights out and parties occur very rarely for us will help. :D I will use this plan to set out a menu planner for the next month over the weekend.
I will be staying mindful as I move on with this. I will keep myself aware that if I start to let too much creep in from the slack side of things I need to stamp on it and pull back a bit. As long as I keep it as rare occasions then I know that by this time next year I can be where I want to be.

A new day.

Yesterday was not a good day. It was the first time in just over 3 weeks that I have gone off plan. I was well aware that what I was eating was not good. I did manage to limit it a little but it obviously would have been better if I had just not eaten the extra in the first place. The plus side is that calorie wise I was within a sensible range but in the latter part of the day the choices of food were not good. I am not going to make the same mistake again today and will be getting right back on track.

As I said yesterday it didn't feel like it was an emotional thing going on. I am also trying to make sure I am very aware of whatever is causing me to want to eat. I do not want to fall into a trap of letting food be my comfort/celebration/happiness etc. I have been there, done that, and got the body to show for it.

One thing I am starting to really feel is that I am remembering how good I felt 2 years ago. I was by no means at a target but I was 18 pounds lighter than I am now and I was a lot smaller. Because I am only 5' 2" extra weight really shows. I can feel it when I move. Right now I don't like it and I can remember how it felt to not have it. I am going to get back to where I was and then I am going to keep going.

Back to report

I didn't manage to resist and have gone off plan for today. I have minimised it and ended my eating for the day. Back to normal tomorrow.

Lacking motivation

I am struggling today. I haven't gone off plan but I am finding it really tough to stick to it. I feel quite down but for no particular reason. I have also been very hungry for the last couple of days. I think it is probably hormonal as it is something that often happens a short while before I get my period. Not that I truly know that until it arrives as it is not exactly predictable.

I am also craving a sandwich! Yes, of all the things to crave it is that. I am trying to work out if I think it would be a good idea to swap one of my meals for a salad filled sandwich or if that will just set me on a downhill path. I don't think the craving is an emotional one. I think that some part of my body is wanting something that the bread provides. My husband make our bread and as a rule the bread that my husband makes is a light brown, loaded with seeds good honest loaf. Other than the seeds it just has flour, yeast, salt and water.

I did a bit of very light exercise yesterday. When I took my children swimming I did two lengths. I know it's hardly anything and sounds a bit pathetic but it is two more than I usually do. :D In the evening I walked to and from a group that my daughter goes to in order to drop her off and then again later to pick her up. It isn't far but it's a fast paced 10 minutes on the way there then a slower paced 15 minutes on the way back. I felt pretty good doing it and even had to do some light jogging on the way there both times due to running late.

I am hoping to renew my determination today but I will need to be sorting out the hunger because for me when I feel this kind of hunger I can get a little out of control with my eating. I haven't been taking the l-glutamine, and chromium tablets regularly so wonder if that would help. I will try it over the next week and see how it goes.

Three weeks

I wasn't really expecting much from weighing in today. Having started phase 2 and re-introducing some fruits and grains I thought I might stabilise for a couple of weeks but this morning I have weighed in a 12st 5.5lbs. My body fat % was back to 41% though. I know that will start to drop properly when I get my exercise going. I am going to concentrate on the fact that my weigh is now 7 1/2lbs down which means just over half a stone off since starting. For each half stone that I lose I plan to treat myself so I shall be making a call later to book an appointment to get my eyebrows tamed.

I didn't mention last week that I did do a couple of short bike rides with my children. I would like to say that my children go slowly and it was not effort for me. I can't though. They are both very active and there was one short hill in particular where they were way ahead of me and the only thing that stopped me getting off and pushing the bike was the idea that someone watching would see me not being able to complete the cycle up it while my children shot off ahead!

I am going to focus this week and make sure I am prepared for meals at least a couple of days in advance. We have plenty of chance to pop into stores to get anything I am short of so I will keep an eye on my menu plan and get any bits we don't have.

Nothing to report

I'm torn between thoughts that I have not a lot to say and thoughts that if I don't post something I will fall off the road.
It has been a quiet couple of days and I haven't had too much trouble really. I have noticed that I was being a little bit lax with following my meal plan but only in that I was swapping a couple of things around because I didn't have what I needed. I don't want to let that turn into eating things that aren't on my plan so have sat down with my 4th week menu and been shopping for the things I need for the next few days.

My current plan runs up to next Sunday so next weekend I must sit down and plan another months worth of meals. I am going to start with seeing what we already have in the fridge, freezer, and cupboard because this last month has been pretty expensive and I know we have stuff already that I can use in the plan.

Most of the things that I was hoping would ease after coming off the sugar have done so but I am still being hindered by a couple of issues so I will have to return to the doctor to discuss them.

Challenging? Was it ever!

Today threw up a challenge for me and I beat it.

We go to a group and there is always cake there. Always. Homemade, delicious, yummy cake. Without fail, it will be there. Well today was no exception. There was cake there. Four different types of cake and three, yes THREE, of them were chocolate cakes. Normally I would have tried all three and probably gone back for more of at least one of them.

But I didn't. I didn't even eat a tiny crumb of it. When my children wanted some and I got some of the gooey, chocolatey cake on my hand I went and washed it straight off.

That I am going to mark down as a success. I am feeling pretty strong at the moment and beginning to find it easier to resist temptation and remind myself of what I want.

Another day done

It is particularly pleasing to me that I am now 2 1/2 weeks from the day I finally got myself on track with this. For a long time (far longer than the 3 months since I started this blog) I have know that I needed to do something about losing the weight I regained and more. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do anything about it and my weight just got more and more and more. The fact that I have now managed to start the process and am still sticking with it 2 1/2 weeks later is big for me.

Even better still is the fact that I haven't cheated at all. I made a pact with myself when I finished phase one that I would have one treat a day with a couple of conditions. The treat had to be within the allowed foods for phase two and I could only have it if I had stuck to the plan all day long. I have discovered Beyond Dark: Moments of  Pleasure. They are dinky, dark chocolate buttons. I have several bags of them stashed in the freezer and a bag of those is my treat food. They are absolutely delicious. The chocolate is really smooth and tasty.

I was given a bar of milk chocolate today and accepted it gratefully but after my friend had left I have added it to my husband's tin of goodies. I am going to stay away from milk chocolate for a while and stick with dark. I need to learn to enjoy in moderation and milk chocolate is not something I can do that with.

I did almost trip myself up today. I had run out of salad and when I stopped at the shop, having left my shopping list on the table, salad was the one thing I forgot to buy. As my lunches at the moment are 'something' with salad this could have been a problem and in the past I would have used it as an excuse to have something else, off plan. Instead today for my lunch I put together a chopped salad using cucumber, celery and radishes to go with my fresh tuna. It was very tasty and I felt really good for having not given any ground to temptation.

All in all I am feeling pretty good at the moment. I still haven't started exercising and I know I need to do that. I am giving so much of myself to other things right now that I am finding it hard to get my head round it. I need to look at it in a different way and come to see it as something for myself rather than a chore. I am trying to decide whether to jump back in with the running or to start off with one of the Jillian Michaels DVDs I have.

Challenging day

After a really bad night my husband is off work and I have been taking him to various appointments as well as taking my children to various groups. The result of this is a lack of time and a lot of stress and worry. I am trying not to let this throw me off track but it is hard. Fortunately I have my meals planned so I don't have to think too much about what to eat. Finding the time and inclination is proving harder though. There are a couple of things on my meal plan that we don't have in at the moment and I have no time to go and get them but I am making do with what we have got and swapping some of my meals/snacks around.

I guess this is one of those days that is going to help me deal with the comfort side of my eating. Comfort eating is something I have been prone to do quite a lot in the past. I am not finding that an issue today but I am going to stay aware of the risk of it and do everything I can to avoid it.

Two posts in one day.

I love the idea of something that Kenlie does over at All the Weigh. It's called Friend Makin Monday and is a great way of finding new blogs and finding out a little about the people whose blogs I read. If you take part then you post a link back to your post in the comments part, and do the same on Kenlie's too so that others can find yours.

 

 

So here are my answers for this week:

 

A Little About Me

1. Have you ever experienced love at first sight?  Yes. When my children were born I was consumed by immense love for them.
2. What channel is your TV on most? E4. It is the channel in the UK that shows the fantastic Big Bang Theory and quite a few other cool US comedy shows.
3. Share one quality that you’re proud to have. I am a good and nice person. It is very important to me to go through my life being someone who is kind.
4.  Describe your idea of a great evening.  Am I allowed two? I guess as it is my blog then I can. :) One would be snuggled up on the sofa with my husband chatting and watching a film. The other would be dinner with my friends, a small group of us get together every couple of months. We take it in turns to host and all bring something for a meal.
5. If your friends were asked to describe you in three words, which words would they choose? Kind. Great baker.
6. What is your favourite holiday?  Christmas. I love seeing my family all together and that is one of the few times it happens. The older us 'children' get, the harder it is to co-ordinate and meet up.
7. If you could change one thing that would make your life easier instantly, what would it be? I would have a slightly bigger house. We are squeezed into a small place right now and I would love to have a little more space.
8. What is one healthy food that you crave? Clementines. I am not a big fruit eater but I love these.
9. Do you wear socks when you sleep?  Not usually. In the very middle of winter when it is really cold I do, but probably only a handful of times a year.
10. Share at least three things for which you are thankful.  My family, my friends, knitting. 

Two weeks of phase one. Done.

It is another beautiful, sunny day here so it seems appropriate that I have woken up feeling pretty darned fantastic. I am starting this week another 1/2lb down. That isn't much but it is better than nothing and a whole heap better than gaining. I am also pleased to see a shift in my body fat percentage. It was down to 40% this morning. Still WAY too high but it is starting to go down so I am happy with that.

The thing I was most looking forward to this morning was porridge. My favourite way to have porridge is with raisins, golden syrup and cream. Yes, I really did eat it with all those things on. Regularly. No, I am under no illusions as to why I have regained all the weight I lost. That is not how I had it this morning though. I had it with 1/2tsp cinnamon and a few pecans. I am being completely honest when I say it wasn't as enjoyable as the other way. I almost put some agave nectar before even tasting it but I kept my awareness of what I want out of this and decided to eat it as it was. I think next time I will need something else in it but I was very pleased with having stopped my automatic response of adding something sweet.

We had our day with family yesterday and the food wasn't too tricky. There were cakes there but I didn't have any. The only thing I ate that wasn't 'on plan' was a spoonful of a rice dish. It also had chopped apricots in it. After no sugar for 13 days the one tiny piece of apricot I had in my serving was so sweet. I was very aware of just how sweet it tasted.

I reintroduce fruit today too and have some berries waiting for me. I have also bought some very dark chocolate. That has gone in the freezer. If I keep it out then I am concerned that I will eat it all in one go. I need to be very careful when it comes to chocolate. It is a big weakness for me so I want to re-learn to enjoy it sensibly.

Sticking with it

What the title says is not something I am particularly good at when it comes to dieting. At this time I am managing it though. It is taking some willpower and a little bit of reminding myself why I want to do this, it is also taking a bit of reminding myself that I have spent a small fortune on meat, fish and veg for this first two weeks. That would be such a waste if I didn't stick with it.

I have been aware of feeling a lot better in myself over the past week or so. I don't feel as sluggish and I am far less bloated.

My goal of 9 1/2 stone seems a long way off right now. I haven't ever been there as an adult but at only 5' 2" it is a sensible weight. The idea of being that weigh does scare me a little. I've been overweight my entire adult (and mid to late teens). I have a friend who has made amazing progress over the past couple of years and she is an inspiration to me. From being 'the fat kid in school' she went on to become size 32 and has worked (very hard) to get herself down to a size 14. I want that fire and determination, I know it took some time for it to come to her but I also know that I am starting a lot further down the scale than she was.

I am looking forward to Monday when I will be moving on to the second phase of the South beach diet. Who knew porridge could be a source of so much desire?! I am a bit fed up with eggs for breakfast.

When I move on to phase two I am going to start tracking my food in my fitness pal. I need to keep an eye on my intake when that bit starts. It will give me an awareness of how much I need to be eating.

What happened to yesterday?

I'd love to say that I there is no blog post for yesterday because Blogger ate it. I can't though. I am not entirely sure what happened to the day. It was a busy day and apart from the fact that I couldn't believe it was 1st May already (really, I shouted at the radio then checked my calendar because I was so sure it was 30th April) I just kind of forgot to blog!

Fortunately despite forgetting to blog I didn't forget to eat mindfully and stick to my plan. I still haven't started doing any exercise but I have been giving it a lot of thought. I am kind of scared to start but I can't figure out why. More thought needed. That's ok, I am happy to take my time. I don't want to over do this and not give it head space. There is no point doing things if I haven't got them straight in my head first.

I am still having some pretty strong cravings for sugary foods but I am finding that I can resist them. It takes a lot of effort sometimes but I am resisting. I don't know if the l-glutamine and chromium have anything to do with that but I will stick with them for a month and see how I feel after that.

I have so many more hours in the day with sticking to a menu plan and eating properly. I dread to think how many hours a day I was spending on preparing or eating things.

It is beautifully sunny here today and I am enjoying the fact that the weather is finally behaving how it should for my liking. :D

Hanging in there

I am finding today really tough going. In a couple of other areas of life I am feeling rather stretched and stressed. This is having the effect of making me want to just hide away with a big bar of chocolate. I have said this to my husband so that he is aware of how I feel and can help me through.

It has been quite fortunate that we have been very busy today, as a result I was able to go out and leave any forms of payment behind meaning no way of buying any foods that would send me off track. If the day had been quieter then I am not sure I would have succeeded so far.

I already knew that my sugar cravings were not just a physical thing. Several years ago I realised that I had a problem with controlling myself with food. I tackled it head on and managed to get it under control but every so often it rears it's ugly head. I don't want to give in and I won't but it feels like it is taking an awful lot of effort to resist.

One week in.

  I am feeling pretty good about having completed one week of getting myself off sugar and back on the road to where I want to be. I weighed this morning and was pleased to see that sticking to my plan has helped me get rid of 5 pounds. I know that from here on that rate will slow down, and I know that is a good thing because maintaining that rate of loss would be a fast route to gaining it all back.

  I did start to feel a bit better as the day went on yesterday so I managed to eat and I stuck with allowed foods. There was one exception to that. My youngest wanted to make some jelly for him and my oldest so he did. When I served them a bowl of it each later in the day I did have one small spoonful, about 5g to be specific. I didn't take that as a cue to though.

  Here is to a second week of eating well. We have a get together on Sunday which will involve foods that will be off my plan. I am going to try to make sure I take some things which will be on plan and do my best to stay strong.

  One thing I haven't done so far is start on any exercise. I am having a tough time getting my head around that but rather than saying I will start that this week I am going to spend some time figuring out where my reluctance is coming from so I can address that.

  I have started taking the l-glutamine, and chromium supplements that I mentioned. It is hard to say if they have helped much yet but I have certainly found that for the early part of the day I have had very little, if anything, in the way of sugar cravings. I am going to try taking them with lunch as afternoons are definitely the time I have noticed cravings happening more.

  Time to begin my attack on week 2 and see where that takes me.

Not feeling well.

I don't know how not feeling well will affect my plans but seeing as right now I don't feel at all like eating  there is no danger of me eating something I shouldn't be in phase 1!

I fought the cravings....

  And they didn't win. Ha! Take that sugar.

  It was a constant, hours long, battle yesterday afternoon and evening. I managed to overcome it, I was particularly hard when my children wanted to make a cake. I made a plan in my head before we started and cleared the sink so that as soon as the cake batter was in the tin the bowl could be filled with water. Once the cake was cooked and cooled down I cut it into pieces and froze it. That way I can take out a piece for each of the children to defrost and not have the rest of it sat there tempting me.

  I was all prepared for today food wise too, having learnt from earlier in the week. That preparation is still useful but our plans have changed so instead of being prepared and going out it is ready for me to eat as soon as mealtimes come round.

  At the moment I am feeling good about the whole thing and strong willed but after yesterday I am not going to assume that will remain the same. For now though I am going to focus on how good it feels so that I can try and bring it back if I need to.

Sugar cravings.

Not just little, I fancy a nibble of something sweet cravings but big, fat I WANT SUGAR cravings. I don't have an awful lot to say on this but my word they are strong. I am fighting them. Really fighting them. It's not feeling at all easy but I can't give in now because if I do I will just end up back where I was and from there the only way the scales are going is up.

3 days in.

   I don't want to speak too soon but I think this is beginning to have an effect. I know it is early days but I am certainly feeling a little better in myself. I seem to have passed the headachey stage which I knew would come when I removed the sugar. I am still a little tempted by sweet things but I haven't given in to that temptation. I know that one little bite would lead to another, and another, and another.....

  I am hoping that the sugar temptation will ease a little now anyway. I have some chromium supplements and some L-glutamine. I have been reading about both of these and it certainly sounds like it is worth a try.

  My slow cooker has been a bit of a life saver twice this week. In order to make sure that we have dinner ready when we get in from some of our many busy days I have been putting things in there. It has been good not to have to rush the cooking of tea when I am already hungry. If I had to do all the cooking once we got in then meals would have been late and I probably would have picked whilst doing it.

  I think my next task needs to be getting back into the routine of our days. I have kind of let a lot of things slide over the last few weeks/months. I feel so much better when I follow a routine for my day. I have more time to relax then as well. By that I mean properly relax. Spending hours ignoring all the things that need doing is not relaxing. I then end up with loads of things to do in s very short space of time and rushing from one commitment to the next.

  I think the clearer head from eating better is beginning to make me see that the way I was eating was not the only problem. I have let a lot of things descend into a state I don't want them to be in. The difference at the moment is that I can see that for what it is/was and see a clear path to getting all my life back to where I want it to be. I don't know how much of that was down to what has seemed like an insanely long autumn/winter but I do know that the cold, damp, grey weather we had for months on end certainly co-incided with me losing a lot of sparkle. I feel like I am starting to wake up from a foggy sleep, and I like what I am seeing.

Pushing myself.

  This is still something I am having to make myself do. I said I was likely to weigh daily and I did. As of this morning I am two pounds down. Seeing that number going down or staying where it was the day before helps me. It makes me feel good and serves as a reminder at this stage. It is a little later in that it starts to be unhelpful. I will make myself aware of that. In the past there has been times where I see that the number is lower than I'd aimed for that week and take that as a green light to go off plan for a couple of days. I am going to avoid that this time.

  I did learn from Monday and didn't let myself get to the point where I was completely ravenous. I made sensible choices when I got hungry outside of my planned meals and snacks. That was not an easy, natural thing though. There was an argument in my head about what to go for.

  The other thing I found was that I needed to eat dinner earlier than planned. I am lucky that because my job is being at home for my children I have the opportunity to eat when I need to rather than waiting till late. Fitting it round everybody's schedule is the tricky part. I am not sure if it would be harder or easier if I worked!

  The sun is shining and the sky is blue today. We also have a super busy day ahead of us so I need to be organised and make sure I have everything in place for easy meals and snacks. The menu is planned, the food is there. I just need to make sure it is there for me to grab. The other thing I need to work on is getting enough water. I was not good on that on Monday, did better yesterday and today onwards I am going to make sure I keep on top of it. It's the only thing I drink so it is easy to monitor how much I am getting.

Hitting the tough part

Sugar.

  That is my downfall. It is something I eat far too much of and I strongly suspect that for some time now I have had way too much of it in my system. I think that perhaps some of the things my body has been feeling is down to that. This is the main reason why I have opted to use The South Beach diet to kick start my weight loss and change my diet.

  I gave some real thought to what I was actually eating. I had reached a stage where the following would not be at all unusual.

Breakfast - Porridge with rasins and golden syrup

OR

Toast with butter and marmalade.

 

Mid morning - Chocolate bar(s). I can easily manage anywhere between 50g and 200g in one go.

Orange.

 

Lunch - A cheese/ham salad sandwich. Crisps. Yogurt. Cake.

 

Mid afternoon - Cake, biscuits or chocolate.

 

Dinner - Proper home cooked from scratch food.

More chocolate.

 

Evening - It would not be unusual for me to have more chocolate or another dessert.

 

  So, um. That looks awful doesn't it. Note the lack of question mark there. I know it is really bad. It wouldn't be so bad if it was a once in a blue moon occurance. It gets to the point though where it is daily. Bad enough for anyone but I am someone who loves to cook and knows what a healthy balanced diet is. I will be completely honest though and say that at this moment in time that list of things is also making my head go "Oh yum. Go on there is a shop just round the corner. The children are at their friends so they wouldn't see. Your husband is at work, he'd never know".

 

  I have two children who get a marvellous diet. They love all food and know that all food is good in moderation. I would not dream of feeding them or allowing them to eat the way I have been eating.

 

  That is why I am starting off by getting myself off the sugar laden stuff. It is hard though. Most of yesterday evening I was craving it. ANYTHING that it might be in. Watching a fab cookery programme about bread where pastries were being made was out of the question. Within minutes my mouth was actually watering! I told my husband about it because he knows how tough this is for me and I know that he will help me.

 

  The other part of my tackling this is going to be taking L-glutamine and Chromium supplements. I have been reading that they can help ease sugar cravings. I don't know if it will make a difference but I will certainly give them a go. I just have to wait for them to be delivered now. In the meantime I am going to try to keep myself busy and remind myself constantly why I am doing this.

 

  Oh and Head - Get lost. This is too important to let you win.



To begin with...

  It has begun. I have come to the end of my first day of sorting out the mess I have let my mind and body get into. To give me a record I have the photos and this morning I have weighed and measured so here are the figures.

Weight: 12st 13lbs (181lbs)

Body fat: 41%

Chest: 46in

Waist: 40.5in

Hips: 46.5in

Upper left arm: 13.25in

Left thigh: 24.5in

Left calf: 15.5in

 

  Although I am really disappointed in myself for letting myself put weight back on after I had made so much progress before (I had got down to 11st 2lbs (156)) I was also kind of relieved not to have gone any higher. I had promised last time I got below 13st that I wouldn't let myself get back there again. I am not impressed with those numbers above though and I want and need to get way below them.

 

  Day one and I need to make sure I am prepared. One thing didn't arrive in my food delivery and as a result I had to go shopping. Unfortunately the only time to fit it in today was on the way home from a group my children go to and I was hungry. It was like a form of torture!

 

  My plan for recording is to weigh daily. I know this is frowned upon by many but it helps me be aware from the start of the day. I am not going to record it here every day but I will weigh. I will take more photos and measurements every 4 weeks.

 

  Food plan is to follow South beach phase 1 for two weeks followed by phase 2 for two weeks. After that I will decide if I will carry on with phase two of just go with planning a sensible menu.

 

  Tomorrow I will start doing some gentle exercise. The cough I was struggling with seems to have gone but after 8 weeks of not doing anything I am feeling very unfit and don't want to just jump into running again.

 

  So that is me started. I am in the right headspace but need to keep reminding myself of what I want and why.



I'm ready.

It's taken me some time to reach this stage. I am ready to make an attack on this and get back the me I want to be. I am sick and tired of being this way. Feeling tired, my body being the way it is, feeling so utterly down on myself. It is enough now.

I have a month of meals and snacks planned. I have a food shop being delivered today.

I have cleared out a lot of things which I don't need in the house tripping me up and taunting me.

I have taken photos for my starting point. These are going to be my never again photos. I have everything ready to go.

I have never shared photos for weight loss motivation before but this time I am going to. I have taken head free shots because I am not that brave!!!

Two years ago this top and jeans fitted me perfectly. In fact the jeans were even a little loose. Clearly that is not the case anymore.

 

Bring it on.

Utterly fed up

I have lost what very little there was of my fitness. Walking my children to and from places has illustrated that very well. I have plodded through the last few weeks waiting, waiting, waiting for the cough to go. It seemed to but the last couple of days have seen it return. I have now had 5 different prescriptions and completely disheartened by it.
I have also felt a bit of a blow this morning after planning out a months meals and then starting to price them up. ££££££ I feel that I need to follow South beach for a month to kick start me and to get the sugar out of my system. But I am not sure I can bring myself to spend that much on food. Not for me. The rest of my family don't have a problem with food. They can all control themselves. Why should I spend loads of money just because I can't.

Trying to decide what to do next but feeling really miserable about it.

Patience

I am still trying to shake off the cough. It is annoying me now. In some ways it has been a good thing.

I have been super aware for a few days that I am actually starting to feel really keen to get out running again. I want to run again. I have even seen a couple of events that I quite fancy taking part in. That has to be good. I haven't been thinking "when I am better I HAVE to make myself start running again". I have been thinking "I can't wait to get rid of this because I WANT to start running again". I know that I am going to have to pretty much start from scratch. I don't care though.

I have a rough plan in my head of what I am going to do. It is all stored away, ready to go when I am. I feel quite encouraged by that.

Still looking for the map

I can't get on with this. I don't know what is holding me back but I think for now this blog is going to be a way of making me think about what I want and what I don't want to be anymore.
I lost my log in details for weeks and only just found them. In that time I have done precisely nothing about losing weight. Instead I have drifted through days when nothing has made me feel aware of it and on other days I have hated going out because I have so few clothes that fit and feel a mess in all of them

I have been had a niggling cough for the last couple of weeks and that is stopping me from getting back into running. An event that I had signed up for is fast approaching and I think I am going to have to defer to next year as I won't be anything like ready in time. I feel like I have failed because I wasted so many months thinking "I'll start training tomorrow". If I had started months ago then I would still be able to do it as I would be playing catch up from when I am well enough rather than starting from scratch.

I think it is safe to say I am not in a great place at the moment when it comes to getting back on the path to how I want to be. Why don't I want it enough?

Keeping focus

  I almost feel like I need someone to follow me around all day and remind me that I have decided to eat better and do more. I have been doing fine for the last couple of days but it is so easy at the moment to forget. I am so used to eating whatever, whenever that I need to really re-train myself.

  I have made a start on getting my head in the right place. My home page on my computer is myfitnesspal which means that any time I use the Internet I am reminded to log what I have eaten. I also leave 3 files up on my computer pretty much all day. The timetable of work for my children, the day's schedule, and the menu plan for the week.

  A couple of years ago when I lost weight it was constantly in my mind that I was aiming to do that. I have got so far away from that I have forgotten what it was like. I need to remind myself of all the reasons why I want to do it.

I want to be healthy for myself, my husband and my children.

I want to be able to keep up with my children who both love sports.

I want to set a good example to them. So far I have been able to instill healthy habits in them just by virtue of being their parent but they are old enough now to notice that Mummy doesn't always eat the same as them.

I want to be able to wear the nice clothes I bought myself.

I want to be able to enjoy running again and get the buzz out of it that I did before.

Starting all over again

I'm not the first, and I won't be the last, to say I am going to have to lose weight. AGAIN. I have been here so many times before. The last time I managed to lose enough to be happy with the way I looked and felt. I'd have liked to lose more. I was eating sensibly, exercising, and taking care of myself. It lasted longer than any other time I have tried to lose weight. I swore it would be the last time I'd ever have to do it. I threw out all my too big clothes, I ran in some races, I bought proper exercise clothes and shoes because I was using them. Then it all went wrong. In the last year I have gained 1 1/2stone (21 pounds).

I lost someone very special to me. I started a spiral downwards and my weight started to go up. It was OK to start with. Now though... I am back to where I was before and I am feeling more than a little out of control of my eating. I have regained every last pound I lost. I have been for a run 3 times in the last year. I have one pair of jeans that fit me, and that is because I went and bought some new ones. I have draws full of clothes that I can't wear anymore. I am wearing basically the same 2 outfits on rotation because nothing else fits.

I am miserable about it. I was happy before. For the first time in my adult life I was looking in the mirror and liking what I saw. For the first time in my life I was enjoying exercise. Now I am not liking what I see or what I feel. I feel tired, my skin is dry, I can't run without feeling extremely self conscious. I can feel all the extra weight on my body. I don't like it. I have PCOS and I have noticed a big increase in the symptoms I show.

So what now?

Now I have to get a grip on this. That is what I am doing here. This is me trying to get myself back into the place I was before.

I kept a blog before, it helped me stay accountable. I can't even remember what I called it so I am going to start a new one.
I logged every tiny thing I ate on myfitnesspal.
I ran at least 3 times a week and LOVED it.
I planned meals and snacks and stuck to it. If I needed more I ate fruit and drank water.
I weighed and measured every week. Actually I weighed almost daily, I know that is frowned upon in some circles. I do know that it is something that works for me though. It keeps me accountable to myself and means I start everyday with a reminder.
I enjoyed looking nice. I actually chose clothes rather than just grabbing what fitted/was nearest.

• I am going to start blogging again. I am hoping that some people will find it and I will get some encouragement and, previous experience showed me, hopefully some superb advice.
• I am going to start logging everything on myfitnesspal.
• I am going to start going running again. This is going to be hard because I there are children and a husband to fit around. But those are excuses. I can get the children on scooters and bikes or drop them with a friend for 10 minutes to start with.
• I am going to plan meals and snacks and stick to them.
• I am going to weigh and measure every week.
• I am going to go through my clothes and take everything that doesn't fit out. When it does fit again I am going to wear it. I am going to treat them as gifts.

It all starts now. So far...

I have planned meals for this week

I weighed this morning. I measured a week ago so I know what that is.

This is the beginning of the blog.

I have resurrected my myfitnesspal account and logged my breakfast.

Still to do I will

Later today I will go through those clothes.

I am going to go for a run when my husband gets home tonight.