Still looking for the map

I can't get on with this. I don't know what is holding me back but I think for now this blog is going to be a way of making me think about what I want and what I don't want to be anymore.
I lost my log in details for weeks and only just found them. In that time I have done precisely nothing about losing weight. Instead I have drifted through days when nothing has made me feel aware of it and on other days I have hated going out because I have so few clothes that fit and feel a mess in all of them

I have been had a niggling cough for the last couple of weeks and that is stopping me from getting back into running. An event that I had signed up for is fast approaching and I think I am going to have to defer to next year as I won't be anything like ready in time. I feel like I have failed because I wasted so many months thinking "I'll start training tomorrow". If I had started months ago then I would still be able to do it as I would be playing catch up from when I am well enough rather than starting from scratch.

I think it is safe to say I am not in a great place at the moment when it comes to getting back on the path to how I want to be. Why don't I want it enough?