Need to drag myself back on track

I have not made a success of this week so far. I have chosen badly with eating and I still haven't done anything about exercising. I am starting to feel like the whiny child in the corner stamping her feet and saying "it's not fair". The problem is it is nobody else's fault. I am the only one who controls what goes into my mouth. I am the one who plans the food, shops for the food, prepares the food and serves the food. I am the one to blame for the fact that I haven't got any exercise done. I can tell myself I don't have time or make a million other excuses. But when it comes down to it I am the only one who can do anything about this. Me. Searching for some motivation and hope to find it soon.

One month down.

I am so not in the mood to be writing this today. What I want to be doing is hiding from everything, preferably with copious amounts of food and not caring about the result.

The trouble with that plan is that I do care. I may not feel it all the time but the times I care far outweigh those when I don't. If I give in on those times when I don't/wish I didn't care then I would feel even worse the rest of the time.

I think today it is partly hormonal. It is also down to an emotional rollercoaster weekend which was both the most and least fun I have had for some time.

Anyway, enough whining. I weighed and measured today because it has been 4 weeks since I started. I didn't take photos this morning because I so wasn't in the mood but I will do it before the week is out.

Weight: 12st 6lbs (174lbs) - Month loss of 7lbs.

Body fat: 40% - Month loss of 1%

Chest: 45in - Month loss of 1 inch  

Waist: 39in - Month loss of 1.5 inch

Hips: 45in - Month loss of 1.5 inch

Upper left arm: 12.75in - Month loss of 0.5 inch

Left thigh: 23.5in - Month loss of 1 inch

Left calf: 15.25in - Month loss of 0.25 inch

So that is a total loss of  7lbs, 1% body fat, and 5.75 inches. I am sort of happy with that and will now set out on my next month of tackling this.

 

I would love to feel more positive about the whole thing right now. I don't. I feel as I said at the beginning of this post like hiding away and am just cross with myself that I am back here again for the I don't know how many times it is. I need to find some positive attitude towards it if I am to achieve my goal.

Over a blip

I am pleased that I managed to achieve getting past my brief blip on Tuesday and stay on my plan. I have stuck with my planned meals.

I am going out with my husband tonight and we will be going to dinner. I have planned from the restaurant menu what I will have and that does involve a dessert that is off plan. I have eaten accordingly for the rest of the day to ensure that it doesn't do too much damage.
I am reaching the point where I need to change this into a plan for life rather than restricting certain things. The way I intend to do this is to stick 99% of the time to South Beach phase 2 and when things like nights out or parties occur to let myself a little slack. The fact that nights out and parties occur very rarely for us will help. :D I will use this plan to set out a menu planner for the next month over the weekend.
I will be staying mindful as I move on with this. I will keep myself aware that if I start to let too much creep in from the slack side of things I need to stamp on it and pull back a bit. As long as I keep it as rare occasions then I know that by this time next year I can be where I want to be.

A new day.

Yesterday was not a good day. It was the first time in just over 3 weeks that I have gone off plan. I was well aware that what I was eating was not good. I did manage to limit it a little but it obviously would have been better if I had just not eaten the extra in the first place. The plus side is that calorie wise I was within a sensible range but in the latter part of the day the choices of food were not good. I am not going to make the same mistake again today and will be getting right back on track.

As I said yesterday it didn't feel like it was an emotional thing going on. I am also trying to make sure I am very aware of whatever is causing me to want to eat. I do not want to fall into a trap of letting food be my comfort/celebration/happiness etc. I have been there, done that, and got the body to show for it.

One thing I am starting to really feel is that I am remembering how good I felt 2 years ago. I was by no means at a target but I was 18 pounds lighter than I am now and I was a lot smaller. Because I am only 5' 2" extra weight really shows. I can feel it when I move. Right now I don't like it and I can remember how it felt to not have it. I am going to get back to where I was and then I am going to keep going.

Back to report

I didn't manage to resist and have gone off plan for today. I have minimised it and ended my eating for the day. Back to normal tomorrow.

Lacking motivation

I am struggling today. I haven't gone off plan but I am finding it really tough to stick to it. I feel quite down but for no particular reason. I have also been very hungry for the last couple of days. I think it is probably hormonal as it is something that often happens a short while before I get my period. Not that I truly know that until it arrives as it is not exactly predictable.

I am also craving a sandwich! Yes, of all the things to crave it is that. I am trying to work out if I think it would be a good idea to swap one of my meals for a salad filled sandwich or if that will just set me on a downhill path. I don't think the craving is an emotional one. I think that some part of my body is wanting something that the bread provides. My husband make our bread and as a rule the bread that my husband makes is a light brown, loaded with seeds good honest loaf. Other than the seeds it just has flour, yeast, salt and water.

I did a bit of very light exercise yesterday. When I took my children swimming I did two lengths. I know it's hardly anything and sounds a bit pathetic but it is two more than I usually do. :D In the evening I walked to and from a group that my daughter goes to in order to drop her off and then again later to pick her up. It isn't far but it's a fast paced 10 minutes on the way there then a slower paced 15 minutes on the way back. I felt pretty good doing it and even had to do some light jogging on the way there both times due to running late.

I am hoping to renew my determination today but I will need to be sorting out the hunger because for me when I feel this kind of hunger I can get a little out of control with my eating. I haven't been taking the l-glutamine, and chromium tablets regularly so wonder if that would help. I will try it over the next week and see how it goes.

Three weeks

I wasn't really expecting much from weighing in today. Having started phase 2 and re-introducing some fruits and grains I thought I might stabilise for a couple of weeks but this morning I have weighed in a 12st 5.5lbs. My body fat % was back to 41% though. I know that will start to drop properly when I get my exercise going. I am going to concentrate on the fact that my weigh is now 7 1/2lbs down which means just over half a stone off since starting. For each half stone that I lose I plan to treat myself so I shall be making a call later to book an appointment to get my eyebrows tamed.

I didn't mention last week that I did do a couple of short bike rides with my children. I would like to say that my children go slowly and it was not effort for me. I can't though. They are both very active and there was one short hill in particular where they were way ahead of me and the only thing that stopped me getting off and pushing the bike was the idea that someone watching would see me not being able to complete the cycle up it while my children shot off ahead!

I am going to focus this week and make sure I am prepared for meals at least a couple of days in advance. We have plenty of chance to pop into stores to get anything I am short of so I will keep an eye on my menu plan and get any bits we don't have.

Nothing to report

I'm torn between thoughts that I have not a lot to say and thoughts that if I don't post something I will fall off the road.
It has been a quiet couple of days and I haven't had too much trouble really. I have noticed that I was being a little bit lax with following my meal plan but only in that I was swapping a couple of things around because I didn't have what I needed. I don't want to let that turn into eating things that aren't on my plan so have sat down with my 4th week menu and been shopping for the things I need for the next few days.

My current plan runs up to next Sunday so next weekend I must sit down and plan another months worth of meals. I am going to start with seeing what we already have in the fridge, freezer, and cupboard because this last month has been pretty expensive and I know we have stuff already that I can use in the plan.

Most of the things that I was hoping would ease after coming off the sugar have done so but I am still being hindered by a couple of issues so I will have to return to the doctor to discuss them.

Challenging? Was it ever!

Today threw up a challenge for me and I beat it.

We go to a group and there is always cake there. Always. Homemade, delicious, yummy cake. Without fail, it will be there. Well today was no exception. There was cake there. Four different types of cake and three, yes THREE, of them were chocolate cakes. Normally I would have tried all three and probably gone back for more of at least one of them.

But I didn't. I didn't even eat a tiny crumb of it. When my children wanted some and I got some of the gooey, chocolatey cake on my hand I went and washed it straight off.

That I am going to mark down as a success. I am feeling pretty strong at the moment and beginning to find it easier to resist temptation and remind myself of what I want.

Another day done

It is particularly pleasing to me that I am now 2 1/2 weeks from the day I finally got myself on track with this. For a long time (far longer than the 3 months since I started this blog) I have know that I needed to do something about losing the weight I regained and more. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to do anything about it and my weight just got more and more and more. The fact that I have now managed to start the process and am still sticking with it 2 1/2 weeks later is big for me.

Even better still is the fact that I haven't cheated at all. I made a pact with myself when I finished phase one that I would have one treat a day with a couple of conditions. The treat had to be within the allowed foods for phase two and I could only have it if I had stuck to the plan all day long. I have discovered Beyond Dark: Moments of  Pleasure. They are dinky, dark chocolate buttons. I have several bags of them stashed in the freezer and a bag of those is my treat food. They are absolutely delicious. The chocolate is really smooth and tasty.

I was given a bar of milk chocolate today and accepted it gratefully but after my friend had left I have added it to my husband's tin of goodies. I am going to stay away from milk chocolate for a while and stick with dark. I need to learn to enjoy in moderation and milk chocolate is not something I can do that with.

I did almost trip myself up today. I had run out of salad and when I stopped at the shop, having left my shopping list on the table, salad was the one thing I forgot to buy. As my lunches at the moment are 'something' with salad this could have been a problem and in the past I would have used it as an excuse to have something else, off plan. Instead today for my lunch I put together a chopped salad using cucumber, celery and radishes to go with my fresh tuna. It was very tasty and I felt really good for having not given any ground to temptation.

All in all I am feeling pretty good at the moment. I still haven't started exercising and I know I need to do that. I am giving so much of myself to other things right now that I am finding it hard to get my head round it. I need to look at it in a different way and come to see it as something for myself rather than a chore. I am trying to decide whether to jump back in with the running or to start off with one of the Jillian Michaels DVDs I have.

Challenging day

After a really bad night my husband is off work and I have been taking him to various appointments as well as taking my children to various groups. The result of this is a lack of time and a lot of stress and worry. I am trying not to let this throw me off track but it is hard. Fortunately I have my meals planned so I don't have to think too much about what to eat. Finding the time and inclination is proving harder though. There are a couple of things on my meal plan that we don't have in at the moment and I have no time to go and get them but I am making do with what we have got and swapping some of my meals/snacks around.

I guess this is one of those days that is going to help me deal with the comfort side of my eating. Comfort eating is something I have been prone to do quite a lot in the past. I am not finding that an issue today but I am going to stay aware of the risk of it and do everything I can to avoid it.

Two posts in one day.

I love the idea of something that Kenlie does over at All the Weigh. It's called Friend Makin Monday and is a great way of finding new blogs and finding out a little about the people whose blogs I read. If you take part then you post a link back to your post in the comments part, and do the same on Kenlie's too so that others can find yours.

 

 

So here are my answers for this week:

 

A Little About Me

1. Have you ever experienced love at first sight?  Yes. When my children were born I was consumed by immense love for them.
2. What channel is your TV on most? E4. It is the channel in the UK that shows the fantastic Big Bang Theory and quite a few other cool US comedy shows.
3. Share one quality that you’re proud to have. I am a good and nice person. It is very important to me to go through my life being someone who is kind.
4.  Describe your idea of a great evening.  Am I allowed two? I guess as it is my blog then I can. :) One would be snuggled up on the sofa with my husband chatting and watching a film. The other would be dinner with my friends, a small group of us get together every couple of months. We take it in turns to host and all bring something for a meal.
5. If your friends were asked to describe you in three words, which words would they choose? Kind. Great baker.
6. What is your favourite holiday?  Christmas. I love seeing my family all together and that is one of the few times it happens. The older us 'children' get, the harder it is to co-ordinate and meet up.
7. If you could change one thing that would make your life easier instantly, what would it be? I would have a slightly bigger house. We are squeezed into a small place right now and I would love to have a little more space.
8. What is one healthy food that you crave? Clementines. I am not a big fruit eater but I love these.
9. Do you wear socks when you sleep?  Not usually. In the very middle of winter when it is really cold I do, but probably only a handful of times a year.
10. Share at least three things for which you are thankful.  My family, my friends, knitting. 

Two weeks of phase one. Done.

It is another beautiful, sunny day here so it seems appropriate that I have woken up feeling pretty darned fantastic. I am starting this week another 1/2lb down. That isn't much but it is better than nothing and a whole heap better than gaining. I am also pleased to see a shift in my body fat percentage. It was down to 40% this morning. Still WAY too high but it is starting to go down so I am happy with that.

The thing I was most looking forward to this morning was porridge. My favourite way to have porridge is with raisins, golden syrup and cream. Yes, I really did eat it with all those things on. Regularly. No, I am under no illusions as to why I have regained all the weight I lost. That is not how I had it this morning though. I had it with 1/2tsp cinnamon and a few pecans. I am being completely honest when I say it wasn't as enjoyable as the other way. I almost put some agave nectar before even tasting it but I kept my awareness of what I want out of this and decided to eat it as it was. I think next time I will need something else in it but I was very pleased with having stopped my automatic response of adding something sweet.

We had our day with family yesterday and the food wasn't too tricky. There were cakes there but I didn't have any. The only thing I ate that wasn't 'on plan' was a spoonful of a rice dish. It also had chopped apricots in it. After no sugar for 13 days the one tiny piece of apricot I had in my serving was so sweet. I was very aware of just how sweet it tasted.

I reintroduce fruit today too and have some berries waiting for me. I have also bought some very dark chocolate. That has gone in the freezer. If I keep it out then I am concerned that I will eat it all in one go. I need to be very careful when it comes to chocolate. It is a big weakness for me so I want to re-learn to enjoy it sensibly.

Sticking with it

What the title says is not something I am particularly good at when it comes to dieting. At this time I am managing it though. It is taking some willpower and a little bit of reminding myself why I want to do this, it is also taking a bit of reminding myself that I have spent a small fortune on meat, fish and veg for this first two weeks. That would be such a waste if I didn't stick with it.

I have been aware of feeling a lot better in myself over the past week or so. I don't feel as sluggish and I am far less bloated.

My goal of 9 1/2 stone seems a long way off right now. I haven't ever been there as an adult but at only 5' 2" it is a sensible weight. The idea of being that weigh does scare me a little. I've been overweight my entire adult (and mid to late teens). I have a friend who has made amazing progress over the past couple of years and she is an inspiration to me. From being 'the fat kid in school' she went on to become size 32 and has worked (very hard) to get herself down to a size 14. I want that fire and determination, I know it took some time for it to come to her but I also know that I am starting a lot further down the scale than she was.

I am looking forward to Monday when I will be moving on to the second phase of the South beach diet. Who knew porridge could be a source of so much desire?! I am a bit fed up with eggs for breakfast.

When I move on to phase two I am going to start tracking my food in my fitness pal. I need to keep an eye on my intake when that bit starts. It will give me an awareness of how much I need to be eating.

What happened to yesterday?

I'd love to say that I there is no blog post for yesterday because Blogger ate it. I can't though. I am not entirely sure what happened to the day. It was a busy day and apart from the fact that I couldn't believe it was 1st May already (really, I shouted at the radio then checked my calendar because I was so sure it was 30th April) I just kind of forgot to blog!

Fortunately despite forgetting to blog I didn't forget to eat mindfully and stick to my plan. I still haven't started doing any exercise but I have been giving it a lot of thought. I am kind of scared to start but I can't figure out why. More thought needed. That's ok, I am happy to take my time. I don't want to over do this and not give it head space. There is no point doing things if I haven't got them straight in my head first.

I am still having some pretty strong cravings for sugary foods but I am finding that I can resist them. It takes a lot of effort sometimes but I am resisting. I don't know if the l-glutamine and chromium have anything to do with that but I will stick with them for a month and see how I feel after that.

I have so many more hours in the day with sticking to a menu plan and eating properly. I dread to think how many hours a day I was spending on preparing or eating things.

It is beautifully sunny here today and I am enjoying the fact that the weather is finally behaving how it should for my liking. :D