Patience

I am still trying to shake off the cough. It is annoying me now. In some ways it has been a good thing.

I have been super aware for a few days that I am actually starting to feel really keen to get out running again. I want to run again. I have even seen a couple of events that I quite fancy taking part in. That has to be good. I haven't been thinking "when I am better I HAVE to make myself start running again". I have been thinking "I can't wait to get rid of this because I WANT to start running again". I know that I am going to have to pretty much start from scratch. I don't care though.

I have a rough plan in my head of what I am going to do. It is all stored away, ready to go when I am. I feel quite encouraged by that.

Still looking for the map

I can't get on with this. I don't know what is holding me back but I think for now this blog is going to be a way of making me think about what I want and what I don't want to be anymore.
I lost my log in details for weeks and only just found them. In that time I have done precisely nothing about losing weight. Instead I have drifted through days when nothing has made me feel aware of it and on other days I have hated going out because I have so few clothes that fit and feel a mess in all of them

I have been had a niggling cough for the last couple of weeks and that is stopping me from getting back into running. An event that I had signed up for is fast approaching and I think I am going to have to defer to next year as I won't be anything like ready in time. I feel like I have failed because I wasted so many months thinking "I'll start training tomorrow". If I had started months ago then I would still be able to do it as I would be playing catch up from when I am well enough rather than starting from scratch.

I think it is safe to say I am not in a great place at the moment when it comes to getting back on the path to how I want to be. Why don't I want it enough?

Keeping focus

  I almost feel like I need someone to follow me around all day and remind me that I have decided to eat better and do more. I have been doing fine for the last couple of days but it is so easy at the moment to forget. I am so used to eating whatever, whenever that I need to really re-train myself.

  I have made a start on getting my head in the right place. My home page on my computer is myfitnesspal which means that any time I use the Internet I am reminded to log what I have eaten. I also leave 3 files up on my computer pretty much all day. The timetable of work for my children, the day's schedule, and the menu plan for the week.

  A couple of years ago when I lost weight it was constantly in my mind that I was aiming to do that. I have got so far away from that I have forgotten what it was like. I need to remind myself of all the reasons why I want to do it.

I want to be healthy for myself, my husband and my children.

I want to be able to keep up with my children who both love sports.

I want to set a good example to them. So far I have been able to instill healthy habits in them just by virtue of being their parent but they are old enough now to notice that Mummy doesn't always eat the same as them.

I want to be able to wear the nice clothes I bought myself.

I want to be able to enjoy running again and get the buzz out of it that I did before.

Starting all over again

I'm not the first, and I won't be the last, to say I am going to have to lose weight. AGAIN. I have been here so many times before. The last time I managed to lose enough to be happy with the way I looked and felt. I'd have liked to lose more. I was eating sensibly, exercising, and taking care of myself. It lasted longer than any other time I have tried to lose weight. I swore it would be the last time I'd ever have to do it. I threw out all my too big clothes, I ran in some races, I bought proper exercise clothes and shoes because I was using them. Then it all went wrong. In the last year I have gained 1 1/2stone (21 pounds).

I lost someone very special to me. I started a spiral downwards and my weight started to go up. It was OK to start with. Now though... I am back to where I was before and I am feeling more than a little out of control of my eating. I have regained every last pound I lost. I have been for a run 3 times in the last year. I have one pair of jeans that fit me, and that is because I went and bought some new ones. I have draws full of clothes that I can't wear anymore. I am wearing basically the same 2 outfits on rotation because nothing else fits.

I am miserable about it. I was happy before. For the first time in my adult life I was looking in the mirror and liking what I saw. For the first time in my life I was enjoying exercise. Now I am not liking what I see or what I feel. I feel tired, my skin is dry, I can't run without feeling extremely self conscious. I can feel all the extra weight on my body. I don't like it. I have PCOS and I have noticed a big increase in the symptoms I show.

So what now?

Now I have to get a grip on this. That is what I am doing here. This is me trying to get myself back into the place I was before.

I kept a blog before, it helped me stay accountable. I can't even remember what I called it so I am going to start a new one.
I logged every tiny thing I ate on myfitnesspal.
I ran at least 3 times a week and LOVED it.
I planned meals and snacks and stuck to it. If I needed more I ate fruit and drank water.
I weighed and measured every week. Actually I weighed almost daily, I know that is frowned upon in some circles. I do know that it is something that works for me though. It keeps me accountable to myself and means I start everyday with a reminder.
I enjoyed looking nice. I actually chose clothes rather than just grabbing what fitted/was nearest.

• I am going to start blogging again. I am hoping that some people will find it and I will get some encouragement and, previous experience showed me, hopefully some superb advice.
• I am going to start logging everything on myfitnesspal.
• I am going to start going running again. This is going to be hard because I there are children and a husband to fit around. But those are excuses. I can get the children on scooters and bikes or drop them with a friend for 10 minutes to start with.
• I am going to plan meals and snacks and stick to them.
• I am going to weigh and measure every week.
• I am going to go through my clothes and take everything that doesn't fit out. When it does fit again I am going to wear it. I am going to treat them as gifts.

It all starts now. So far...

I have planned meals for this week

I weighed this morning. I measured a week ago so I know what that is.

This is the beginning of the blog.

I have resurrected my myfitnesspal account and logged my breakfast.

Still to do I will

Later today I will go through those clothes.

I am going to go for a run when my husband gets home tonight.