Waaaaaay off track

I have not had a good week but I have also had plenty of chances to remind myself of what I don't want.

I don't want the following;

to be the fattest, least fit member of my family.
to have an unhealthy body fat.
to look in the mirror and see lumps and bumps where they shouldn't be.
to feel like keeping myself covered up in front of my husband.
to wake up with extremely bad headaches because I have eaten too much chocolate.
to buy chocolate and keep the evidence hidden!
to have one outfit that I can wear comfortably because all my other clothes are too small of show the lumps and bumps I don't like.
to have to explain to people why I didn't do the run I signed up for a year ago (too late to change this one now but I don't want it to happen again).
to turn down my families suggestions/requests of things to do because I know I will huff and puff like a steam train and resemble a tomato by the time I am finished.

Time to sort myself out. I have a lot of head work to do as well as body work.

Need to drag myself back on track

I have not made a success of this week so far. I have chosen badly with eating and I still haven't done anything about exercising. I am starting to feel like the whiny child in the corner stamping her feet and saying "it's not fair". The problem is it is nobody else's fault. I am the only one who controls what goes into my mouth. I am the one who plans the food, shops for the food, prepares the food and serves the food. I am the one to blame for the fact that I haven't got any exercise done. I can tell myself I don't have time or make a million other excuses. But when it comes down to it I am the only one who can do anything about this. Me. Searching for some motivation and hope to find it soon.

One month down.

I am so not in the mood to be writing this today. What I want to be doing is hiding from everything, preferably with copious amounts of food and not caring about the result.

The trouble with that plan is that I do care. I may not feel it all the time but the times I care far outweigh those when I don't. If I give in on those times when I don't/wish I didn't care then I would feel even worse the rest of the time.

I think today it is partly hormonal. It is also down to an emotional rollercoaster weekend which was both the most and least fun I have had for some time.

Anyway, enough whining. I weighed and measured today because it has been 4 weeks since I started. I didn't take photos this morning because I so wasn't in the mood but I will do it before the week is out.

Weight: 12st 6lbs (174lbs) - Month loss of 7lbs.

Body fat: 40% - Month loss of 1%

Chest: 45in - Month loss of 1 inch  

Waist: 39in - Month loss of 1.5 inch

Hips: 45in - Month loss of 1.5 inch

Upper left arm: 12.75in - Month loss of 0.5 inch

Left thigh: 23.5in - Month loss of 1 inch

Left calf: 15.25in - Month loss of 0.25 inch

So that is a total loss of  7lbs, 1% body fat, and 5.75 inches. I am sort of happy with that and will now set out on my next month of tackling this.

 

I would love to feel more positive about the whole thing right now. I don't. I feel as I said at the beginning of this post like hiding away and am just cross with myself that I am back here again for the I don't know how many times it is. I need to find some positive attitude towards it if I am to achieve my goal.

Over a blip

I am pleased that I managed to achieve getting past my brief blip on Tuesday and stay on my plan. I have stuck with my planned meals.

I am going out with my husband tonight and we will be going to dinner. I have planned from the restaurant menu what I will have and that does involve a dessert that is off plan. I have eaten accordingly for the rest of the day to ensure that it doesn't do too much damage.
I am reaching the point where I need to change this into a plan for life rather than restricting certain things. The way I intend to do this is to stick 99% of the time to South Beach phase 2 and when things like nights out or parties occur to let myself a little slack. The fact that nights out and parties occur very rarely for us will help. :D I will use this plan to set out a menu planner for the next month over the weekend.
I will be staying mindful as I move on with this. I will keep myself aware that if I start to let too much creep in from the slack side of things I need to stamp on it and pull back a bit. As long as I keep it as rare occasions then I know that by this time next year I can be where I want to be.

A new day.

Yesterday was not a good day. It was the first time in just over 3 weeks that I have gone off plan. I was well aware that what I was eating was not good. I did manage to limit it a little but it obviously would have been better if I had just not eaten the extra in the first place. The plus side is that calorie wise I was within a sensible range but in the latter part of the day the choices of food were not good. I am not going to make the same mistake again today and will be getting right back on track.

As I said yesterday it didn't feel like it was an emotional thing going on. I am also trying to make sure I am very aware of whatever is causing me to want to eat. I do not want to fall into a trap of letting food be my comfort/celebration/happiness etc. I have been there, done that, and got the body to show for it.

One thing I am starting to really feel is that I am remembering how good I felt 2 years ago. I was by no means at a target but I was 18 pounds lighter than I am now and I was a lot smaller. Because I am only 5' 2" extra weight really shows. I can feel it when I move. Right now I don't like it and I can remember how it felt to not have it. I am going to get back to where I was and then I am going to keep going.

Back to report

I didn't manage to resist and have gone off plan for today. I have minimised it and ended my eating for the day. Back to normal tomorrow.

Lacking motivation

I am struggling today. I haven't gone off plan but I am finding it really tough to stick to it. I feel quite down but for no particular reason. I have also been very hungry for the last couple of days. I think it is probably hormonal as it is something that often happens a short while before I get my period. Not that I truly know that until it arrives as it is not exactly predictable.

I am also craving a sandwich! Yes, of all the things to crave it is that. I am trying to work out if I think it would be a good idea to swap one of my meals for a salad filled sandwich or if that will just set me on a downhill path. I don't think the craving is an emotional one. I think that some part of my body is wanting something that the bread provides. My husband make our bread and as a rule the bread that my husband makes is a light brown, loaded with seeds good honest loaf. Other than the seeds it just has flour, yeast, salt and water.

I did a bit of very light exercise yesterday. When I took my children swimming I did two lengths. I know it's hardly anything and sounds a bit pathetic but it is two more than I usually do. :D In the evening I walked to and from a group that my daughter goes to in order to drop her off and then again later to pick her up. It isn't far but it's a fast paced 10 minutes on the way there then a slower paced 15 minutes on the way back. I felt pretty good doing it and even had to do some light jogging on the way there both times due to running late.

I am hoping to renew my determination today but I will need to be sorting out the hunger because for me when I feel this kind of hunger I can get a little out of control with my eating. I haven't been taking the l-glutamine, and chromium tablets regularly so wonder if that would help. I will try it over the next week and see how it goes.